being alone for the first day got me thinking, what have i been doing to myself lately? just being stupidly lame and wanting something i cant get? yes, thats exactly what i've been doing. i should break out of this stupid shell and for Gods sake forget about the past. the past cant be forgotten, yes but heck, we all still have to move on yes? sigh ... moving on has been the hardest thing for me to do. trying to cover it up by cutting, drinking, getting a lil high, sleeping around and piercing. what a lame ass you would say and i would agree.

this is no easy task, no one said it was. if only i could forget the past and stop reminicing about it. things would be so much easier. unfortunately for me, things haven't been so ... easy going lately.

everyone from the apartment has gone back to kk except me. it's like being in a country you've known for so long yet having only two really close friends.

it's just tough for me suddenly going through this state out of the blue when everyones gone. everything feels so empty. if only i socialized more and got to know more friends.

i'm currently on the run from malaysia. closest i can go to is singapore. so i'm off to singapore on the 23rd december and probably back by the end of the weekend. hopefully ill still be alive when i get back.

everythings a mess. you know it.
rick.

i worked today. 12 hours straight on my off day. only got payed rm100 from rm130 the amount im suppose to get payed working for 12 hours. but it was good. got to see some really really hot chicks. there was this one girl that caught my eye. she was always staring at me but the reason why i didnt approach her is because she was married! sigh ... she looked just like jac. but prettier and more mature of course. it's one of those girls that you wont forget for a few days. that you would keep her in your head for quite awhile until you forget about her. sigh, i wish i had a photo of her in my phone. she definitely stands out among all the other girls in the restaurant. oh yes, i worked in MangoTree Restaurant. it was good. after work, samir, sookie, alin and i drank booze until were satisfied before going home. alin was a nice malay girl, a friends of sookie. sweet and adorable. fun to make fun of! heehe she's just plain cute. then on the way home we met JAIV in a roadblock! hahaha coincidence! lol

anyhoooo ... like i said before, people can talk crap but hey, they cant take it themselves thats why they talk crap about other people to make themself feel better. i mean, you want to talk all that crap to me, and i actually just stood there and nodded my head and smiled, and when YOU want my help, you'd be so fucking nice to me and play Mr.nice guy? god, some people really cant take what they actually say when it is shot back at them. hey, now you know how i fucking feel, treat other people with respect and they will be treating you the same when you need something. i took in whatever i could before, i just couldnt take anymore criticism or shit for anyone anymore from a long days work. so yeah. thats that.

other than that .... i still miss her. sigh. it's her little things ... you know? like the girl i saw tonight. sigh ... its just her face and her beautiful smile. omg, her smile was way way different and i loved the way she smiled. even her lips were so ... sigh ... dreaming dreaming

back to reality, derrick is still single and missing his ex, pathetic.
rick.

i woke up this morning, trying to hide my melancholy. i joined you for breakfast and we continued our lie. everyday it is similar, you are cheery and so am i. our terrible lie. can u imagine a time when we wake up and did not speak, realizing our moods would cause tension cause by too little life? i do wish sometimes as i leave for work sullenly dreading the day already weeping far within. the lie, terrible and unending would cease to be and i would know the real you and you, the real me. but, the lie drags on for now for it is not written in the stars and perhaps it will never be. i am my own companion. the dreaded trurth gathered in a life time sentenced for and enternity realized too late.

lately i've been really ... lost. i know i have not "look or sound" lost but i surely am inside. it's a feeling i dont think i could ever explain. it's like you're missing something in your life. it's like it will never be complete. i know it's human nature to always want. greed. but heck, recently it's really been ... ups and downs for me. i feel like i've broked more hearts in a month than any normal person would. it just pains me inside that i am this kind of person that would just not take ... sigh ... would just not take himself seriously.

sometimes it's really hard to fake it around people you know and care about. the constant jokes and humility just kicks in all of a sudden but heck, as a friend you'll just have to keep it in and laugh it up or else everyone else will call you a spoilt sport. i've been on this earth long enough to know how friendship goes. 19 years of pure mayhem towards friends, family, enemies, lovers, bastards and ex's.

i just wish i could end it all but hey, if it was that easy, we wouldnt be having dreams now would we? everything is and has been a challenge for me. what a wonderful path i have walked ever since i was born. the happiness, sadness, tears, sarcasm, fights, love, sex, and much more. sigh.

i still dont know why but there will always be an emptiness in me. i just dont know what is it so i can fill it up and not feel this way. sigh...im lost.

rick.

theres nothing more painful than seeing or picturing something you've never want to picture. hey, let go, he said, let go, she did. well, thats what i get for being a dumbass. she might have been the best thing that have ever happened to me and i screwed it up badly.

cold kitchen is done and im going for western tomorrow. the first day i entered the cold kitchen, i hated it so much, as i progressed through the week, i was starting to like the cold kitchen on how they prepare their mise en place (meaning preparing the ingredients before making it, just like setting up a table before the guest comes to dine). the presentation, the everything.

getting to know almost everyone is amazing. the some sort of love hate relationship found in the kitchen is intense as you will most definately come across people you would never even think of meeting. some have their bad sides, the others pure culinarians but the most of all, each and everyone of them has talent and passion about their work. the only problem is, is culinary the thing for me? i wouldnt mind working now as i have gotten used to it so quickly. meeting new people and learning alot more than college.

sometimes life brings you to places you've never dreamed of. maybe thats why i am in this line of work. maybe thats why i am doing what i am doing and including the past.

how would you picture you're self when you're the third wheel? would you feel honoured? would you feel proud? would you feel happy? would you feel worried? all the feelings in the world cant explain what i went through. because i, myself cant explain it.

this whole experience for me, meeting new people, learning new things and so on would never be forgotten until the day someone digs a 6 ft hole for me. it's just amazing. especially the experience. i wouldnt mind training over and over and over again. as long as i get to meet people and learn things. it's just a fantastic feeling. i love culinary.

sigh, i miss my ex.
rick.

its been a month plus since i posted. i've been really busy and really lazy with work and writing reports every wednesday night and handing it in on thursday.

so far, i've gone to the chinese banquet and malay banquet. currently i'm at the pastry department. i didnt turn up for the first day as i overslept. not that i didnt want to attend pastry but i just couldn't wake up. so i got screwed for that hence writing an apology letter to the hotel, executive chef and HR department. so yeah. ending pastry in two days and going to butchery next. i might not be going to butchery but we'll see how it goes.

my results just came out for this term and i passed it, with a 12.39 over 20 average. better than my previous terms. proud but wished i had done better. so thats all about college.

recently, i've been pondering on a lot of things.

1. how my life would be if i was still with jac.
2. how my life would be if i was still in LUCT.
3. how my life would be after graduating from Taylor's College.
4. Will i ever find another true love again?

p.s. to keesama, im sorry for not replying earlier but here it is, myflashbox.
to XY, i miss chatting with you too. i really do. this is the most vulnerable time now. i feel like shit. please do msn me if you have the time. really need someone to talk to. thanks.

i dont know why but i feel like crying over the past. it's been haunting me lately and i've been covering up all the sadness inside by tiring myself out in work everyday. i'm always scared of being judged by other people. i just want to be loved again. is that too much to ask for?

i want to be loved again.
rick.

so yes, i'm back from auckland and missing everything about it. from the chicks to the weather. even went bungee jumping after a failed attempt on going snow boarding. so yeah.

went for my interview today at hotel istana. everything went well and i got accepted. will be starting work on the 9th of october. good luck to me and hope i survive.

everything lately has been a mess. scandals after scandals, dramas after dramas. joe has been asking me to forget about my past as it is healthy to forget about it. he too gets reminded by his ex when she gave him a german soldier hat that he always wanted. he asked me to do so because i still talk about jac. he is the only classmate i actually trust and would tell him things and he does the same to me. he told me his scandal and heck, if i were him, i wouldnt tell anyone at all!

today has been the first day that im really alone. back from auckland and mum flew back to kk. family are all gone. sometimes i just take things for granted. for example, my mum. i dont know why i always push her buttons even though i know that would make her mad and hate me. i just dont know why i do it. i hate me for doing such things to my family.

ever since i got back, my head has been spinning. thinking about everything. i even planned out what i should get for jac on her birthday, which is the same day i go for work. but i wouldnt know if it would be the best idea to actually do it. she doesnt even reply my text messages anymore. maybe it was because of that day i kinda ignored her when pikky and her bumped into us in hartamas. i dont know, im just assuming.

im just lost. i wish i knew. i wish i had my life back as it was before. it was beautiful. really beautiful. i enjoyed, admire and will cherish it for the rest of my life. as for now, i guess it's best i just ... hope for a miracle to happen.

rick.

somehow i just hate it when everything comes to an end. not that i didnt ask for it but i just cant take it.

i wish my mum didnt have to come this week, so i could put all my rage and anger towards my arm. she's going to be so disappointed just having a glimpse of my arm.

it doesnt help other people but it most definitely helps me. on how i could sleep soundly at night after doing it and such.

i wish i had a million dollars so i could spend it going around the world and not have any worries. half for traveling and half in my savings. it would probably last me around 1 whole year if my parents stopped giving me my allowance.

guilty as charged ... i hate me.
rick.

fuck this day and every other day!

woke up early to do my ptptn stuff. went to the bank in uptown and got my car clamped! had to pay fucking rm50 to remove the clamp! then i had to go to college and the lady said i needed more documents and to come back tomorrow. so i practically wasted around ... rm70 just to sign up for ptptn. what a fucked up day.

then came back and studied my ass off. went to shower and i lost my earring i bought yesterday. fucked up day i tell you. i hate this day. screw it. im playing games to release this fucked up stress.

rick.

the days just keeps getting better and better ... not!

sigh ... how is it possible that life can come around kicking my ass AGAIN! i bought 4 bottles of beer and sat outside the apartment. drinking my misery away. unfortunately i could only down 2 bottles and a couple of cigarettes until i felt stupid. i just dont understand me sometimes. i think im just too demanding. wanting everything and yet not giving anything. more input less output.

i dont know if im doing the right thing or the worst i've ever. even worse than when i was with jac. gosh. the past keeps coming back to me. it's like something keeps reminding me of the past. i'm sick and tired of it all ... i just want to be alone. i dont want to deal with anything anymore. maybe i was meant to be a bachelor. just a stupid little guy that never grows up.

i'd rather jump down a tall building than go through another day of my life. the cuts dont help anymore. its not helping even though i cut myself a million times. it's like a sign telling me that im done for. theres nothing else that could and will help me. nothing. just emptiness.

sadness reigns in his eyes. nothing would ever be the same again.
rick.

i feel so pathetic, looking back at pictures of jac and i together. i honestly really missed the time we had together. making her laugh, smile, angry and even cry just to see how she would respond. i miss her kisses. her endless kisses. before she goes to classes, before im off to college, random kisses when we feel like kissing each other. it feels so surreal now, that none of that will ever happen again. i really miss her. the endless love she gave me.

sure, i did a few things i shouldn't have done. but hey, people make mistakes and they learn from there. don't judge before you know first hand what actually happened. i really feel like a jerk, of how i treated her. the awkward silence i always gave her when i was mad, keeping the anger inside instead of letting it out and so on. heck, i could go on all night stating my stupidness when i was with her.

my mindset is still the same than before. i still love her. even though what happened between us, i'd rather just put it in the past and start anew. but heck, who am i kidding, as if we were ever going to get back together again. she'd rather fly back to melbourne than to meet me. i think i'd do the same. but i would at least try. because i still have such deep feelings for this girl.

sigh, the cutting never stops.
rick.

everything is breaking apart. im breaking apart. i have this bad feeling inside of me. just trying to break me free or something else.

now is the time i want to go back to kk and just stay there and think of nothing-ness. i dont want to have any worries, no hassle, no nothings. i just want to be alone. i just want to get away from this place. i cant take it being here. yeah i know im being all pissy and whiney like a little bitch. what can i do? i fucking hate it. i hate myself for being like this. screw it.

what do you do when it all falls apart ... ?

rick.

what a wonderful feeling having a beautiful japanese girl lying in your bed all naked. satisfied after having a few rounds of sex. ahhhh ... i feel so ... alive!! oh hell ... this will probably be another fling im going to have. shes freaking 23 years old! but hey, she digs me enough for me to bring her home! i dont know how i did it but i did!! kudos for me! hahah ...

oh well ... better get some shut eye. she wants to go back early later. she lives all the way in puchong!

oh yeah ... before that, samir, jasmine, sookie, kathleen, christin, joe and i were at starbucks bukit bintang. having free flow of anything in starbucks! wicked no? heh. we sat there until all the fireworks were done. then they headed home while joe and i chit chatted for awhile. then it was my turn to go back. on the way back to my car, i met this hot japanese chick. God, she was hot! so i told myself this is the time to prove that your a man. so i flirted with her a little and guess what ... shes on my bed!! well yeah. sleepy time now. nitey nites ya'll.

rick.

the past has gotten on me today. i was fine previously until tonight. i tried to sleep, but i cant. its pretty hard just forgetting what happened. thinking back and wondering was is my fault? was it me that caused all of this to happen? it most probably was.

everytime i go to places jac and i usually go, i scout around, searching for her through the crowd. hoping to see her and hoping not to see her. its like i wouldnt know how to react if i actually see her one day. to either say something or just walk away. if she's there with her new bf, would i fake it that im glad to see him ... ? i wouldnt know until the time actually comes.

thinking back ... we had such wonderful times. the places we went, the things we did, the secrets we shared, the moments that never seem to surprise me every single time, and most definately, the endless love. well, thats my point of view, i wouldnt know what she would think. but thats me.

i appreciate every single thing shes done for me ... until that day. i dont know why but i cant seem to forget that day. i wasnt even thinking. i just acted. i felt so stupid. and here i am. sitting in front of this stupid computer ... kicking myself in the butt for the mistakes i made in the past. pfft. how lame can i get ...

rick.

nothing really interesting happening but only one thing. an interview with starbucks. hopefully i would get the job and that would keep me busy and keep me from thinking about the past. oh and of course the extra income. other than that, everything has been the same. sy and i ate a whole large pizza each from dominoes. its the buy 1 free 1 promo. i just love it! but im so stuffed i think i might just puke.

i miss her...why? i dont know. her image just keeps popping into my head all the time.

rick.

cuts will be cuts. cuts will bleed. i still havent gotten rid of that horrible habit of mine. yet again, i proved myself wrong. as stupid as i can be, i did it.

i broke down this afternoon. i really couldnt take it anymore. i just teared up for no apparent reason. the pain was there, but the motive was not. but it hurt, it hurt so badly. i wish i knew what was wrong with me so i could live a normal life again. a normal life with her. i love her so dearly and now im stuck on my own yet again. loneliness is just in my blood. somehow i cant get rid of it.

i felt so down today i just wanted to take the knife and slit my wrist. i hate myself. people who hate themselves most probably would commit suicide right? well, soon enough, it will happen. one way or another. ill wait.

im no superman.
rick.

i have been such a hopeless wreck. never have i imagined that i would end up like this again. maybe i am just an emotional wreck. maybe thats it.

for the past month or so, i felt what it was like to be loved again. but that was short lived by my emotions running wild. i just went hay wire. i let go of someone who really cares for me for who i really am and not just for the outside. i regret my actions but i try not to now. i'd rather let her be happy with someone else then let me be screwing her life up like i used to with jac.

i just cant take it anymore. cuts will come. cuts will bleed. i love pain.

rick.

i know for a fact that my life has changed. for the better or worse, i am still to find out. i still feel that life has it's little quest and mission for me. i do not know where to go and which path to take. little by little, i tend to move forward and backward, constantly getting confused of what am i suppose to be doing. life now has taken a toll on me. it has probably taken over my life. regaining it back just means that i have to strive and fight harder to win back my life i once had. life i once enjoyed to the fullest, life i once felt happy for, life which i would have died for.

i have never learnt so much in so little time. many people has cross my path and i thank them, sincerely from my heart. but the real problem here is me. i cant seem to find out what is really wrong with me. i cant seem to find the right way when everyone is pointing at the right direction. i tend to get lost easily with or without help. finding refuge in someone is what i do best. getting out of my comfort zone is not. but there is always this feeling that tells me to get out of it and live life. i do not want to stay this way forever as i do not know how long i can take this anymore. people may think that i am such a loser or fool for feeling this way but i cant help it, nor can anyone else.

greed has been seeing eye to eye with me or the other way around. either way, greed is what everyone wants. greed makes people do stupid little things. it tends to make us all confused and with that, we end up doing something we would regret sooner or later. i know i have.

today would most probably be the last time i cried of the past. no more tears over spilt milk.
rick.

here we go again. it's been awhile since i listened to avril's old cd. i got so emotional over it. probably broke me down for the whole night. anyways, we went to eat at new paris tonight. i was being a pig and ate three servings of rice. how greedy of me! oh well. growing little boy im. after that we headed off to the pasar malam at ss2. nothing much there. just walked around and look see.

after that we came back. felt so icky that i didnt shower after such a long day. fyi, i was in college in the morning. trying to catch up with my studies in the college library as i cant really study at home. yupyup. after showering, i asked sarah if she could poke some pimples for me. hahha she actually did! she's a qualified beautician whattt!! finally my pimples will get out and be gone! i hate pimples! so yeah. thats that. now im off to bed. been a long day. i need rest. nites.

that last kiss i'll cherish until we meet again and time makes it harder. your memory, you visit me in my sleep, my darling.
rick.

italy won! why? sigh... totally unexpected. oh well ... you win some and you lose some! :)

anyhow, todays been interesting. went to nilai to help sarah to move out. got to see some hot china chicks but after hearing crazy stuff from sy, sarah and mode, i changed my mind! hahhaa. are they that ... unhygenic? eeee ... heheheheheh anyways, after packing everything, we went for dinner and then went to play pool at a nearby place. got to see a few more chicks there. nilai is full of em! mostly china chicks though. so yeah.

we played until it was around 12. went back, everyone rested and got ready for the world cup finals. hahaha all of us were sitting in the living room, having our own munchies and drinks in hand. even jaivin and his cousin came over. rather interesting match though. loved it until the end.

life's been dealing with me quite ... normally lately. theres always this roller coaster ride i take which makes me go haywire once in a while. you know, you tend to look back into your past and remember the places you've been and such. that really pulls me down alot. i wouldnt want to go back to KK because of the feelings i felt there. nor do i want to go to genting. those places has such huge impact on me. if i ever went to those places now, i would most probably break down on the spot. why? because it felt so wonderful back then. it felt like it was a fairy tale that always ends with happy endings but we all know that fairy tales and happy endings never exist in this cruel world. i learnt that the hard way. now, im slowly getting up on my two feet. trying to recover from what has broken me into pieces. how long more will this last, honestly, i do not know. i would want it to end as soon as possible so i can move on ... but unfortunately ... im still not dealing with the real problem. me. oh well ... life is life. get on with it they all say.

my darling, who knew ... i miss you.
rick.

been the same lately. nothing really special. on and off craziness, doubts, sadness, tears and such. fun huh?

anyhoot, i feel like shit almost every single day. i need someone to hug, to love, to kiss, to adore, to admire, to enlighten me, to free me, to love me.

lost in my own little world, this little boy aint got anything right in his life anymore. he wants to feel love again. he misses his ex so much. he doesnt know why. even though she practically destroyed his life, he still loves her. weird huh? he just wants to spend some time with her to see what would go on. but he knows nothing would ever be again. so he knows. it would never be. nothing would ever be. he's lost.

rick.

life has been a bugger. hard to move on. hard to let go. hard to do anything right anymore.

i gave the thank you gift to her today. she liked it and said it was beautiful. i was glad that she liked it. tomorrow i am going to have a five hour break. i dont know what i would do. i wouldnt want to go home and go back to class. i think i'd just stay in the library and read some books. get me going. the sylybus this year is quite interesting. having budgeting (similar to accounts) and all the usual stuff i had last term. we had this meeting about our placement for our industry training. i was thinking about going to langkawi to work. it should be good as everything is duty free. love that place! :)

anyways. time to go to bed. early class and late class tomorrow.
cheerio :)

rick.

nothing that interesting anymore. classes started this week. missed two days of classes. so yeah. been football crazy. france won, obviously. lets see who will win the finals.

who knew.

rick.

everythings been a mess. a big terrible mess i left behind. this is getting to me. not just that one problem, but everything. but how do you put everything together? how to you patch things up? it's all up to me to do that. no else would be there to fix my mistakes but me. sometimes it's just so hard to carry on like this. to just live life as it is. constant headaches come and go, breakdowns, tears and what not. it is going to drive me insane sooner or later. i can tell.

but how do you save a life when it is already broken down? broken up into a million pieces. find all the pieces back and patch things up? you would obviously loose a few pieces after all the small cracks and chips. i can never be the same again. i can never love again. i dont want to love again. being hurt so many times is just not my cup of tea. i give up on relationships. i wont make anything happen. when it comes, it comes. thats my perspective now. nothing more. hell no.

i've been through all the heartache i can possibly think of. i've had enough of it. there's always this saying ... parents dont burry their children, the children burry their parents. i wouldnt mind having me burried first. but would my parents mind? of course they would. they raised me with all their love and energy. but what can i say? when my time comes, it comes. if i have to force it, i will. thats that.

rick.

sunday ... 7.10am. awake. hungry. pissy.

portugal beat england and france killed brazil. how fun is that? :)

i hate liars. liars like that little witch. no wonder when her brother went to the bomoh and asked about his relationship with his girlfriend, the bomoh pointed his finger at her, saying that she is the cause of it. i dont know whats wrong with her. she's just out to get me. make me go mad. make me go crazy. i just might.

i freaking hate this. she's just gone overboard this time. really and seriously. so stop it, please.

i bought her something special. just a little token of appreciation for everything she's done for me. it cost me rm129 but it's all worth it. getting a job soon. yupyup. more income.

i would like to go to bamiyan one day. see the craziness of it all. watching national geographic about the place now. poor place. sad.

rick.

i cant sleep for fucks sake. i hate being this way at this time of hour.

she messaged me on wednesday or thursday saying that our trip is this weekend. which i was thinking about ever since she called me in the start of the month. i held my stand and didnt let her push me around. she said she was not pushing me, on going. but she did it indirectly which was totally ... out of this world. i talked to sy before making my finaly decision. asking him for advice. he asked me to stand up for myself and if he was me, he would say no, but it was totally up to me for my final decision. so i decided not to go. but guess what happens NOW. i cant stop thinking about it. i dont know why i cant and i keep dreaming about the past when i try to fall asleep. this is going overboard as i cant take it any longer. sooner or later i am going to explode. i told myself that i will not bother about her anymore. but look at me now ... it is still coming back. it is still killing me slowly. this is insane. i am going insane of this. i just wished i'd rewind time and never come to kl.

this holidays might just be the most boring holiday i would have ever gotten. well, nothing beats the holiday i had last term after my breakup. but this comes second. the fact that i cant do anything. the fact that i am driving myself insane over a small matter. i cant take it any longer.

i cant stop thinking about her. she is constantly in my mind. why? i dont know why...i wish i knew so i'd try to reverse it. but unfortunately i am stupid. very stupid. probably the most stupid human being there is. i cant take it any longer.

i cant take it any longer ... i cant ... i cant.

rick.

i have been a fool. such a fool.

rick.

i just finished going through my fisheye pictures. it brought back memories. alot of memories. i thought to myself, what am i doing to myself? why am i killing myself over this little thing when i can be out there enjoying whats waiting for me. to be honest, my relationship with jac was just merely a fling. i fell in love with the girl i felt most comfortable with and closest with. i also fell in love with her long wavy hair which smelt so damn good. but now is now, i give up on the past. i dont want to correct it, change it, or erase it. i just want to go on from here. im going to call her as soon as she reaches singapore.
her hair smells like heaven. her lips taste so sweet and tender. i actually de-virginized her lips. it felt good. it really did. i think im falling in love again...

i give up on the past. i give up on her.

rick.

the start of the holidays. how i sometimes dread holidays. just 3 months ago ... it happened. i was miserable as hell. somehow, i feel it all over again. even with the chain of events that is happening to me now. i dont know what to do anymore. i just dont.

i told her that it was not a good idea that both of us be in a relationship. i thought long and hard about it and if it continues, or even starts, it would end up bad. she wished id come out of my shell and see how beautiful is it outside. i have been a burden to her ever since she knew me. i dont know how one person can absorb so much crap from me. its either she is really dumb or really in love with me to block all negativity out. i mean, she even took me somewhere when i was really down and made me the most happiest man in that place. i just dont understand anything anymore. i just dont want to hurt anyone anymore. i feel guilty even though bad things happen and its not my fault.

i just feel that everything i do or not do is my fault. either right or wrong. the world spins, but i cant keep up with it. the past is still here, haunting me with every move i made. last night i called her and switchfoot's on fire was on. jac used to play that song so often i feel that i was in her room again. it felt so awkward being on the phone and thinking of two things at once, maybe the most wonderful thing in my life and the past. i think im just blinded by love and the past.

miserable as hell i will be. sometimes i feel like im meant to live and die alone.

rick.

yesterday was the best day of my whole miserable college life. last day of college, made out with her, showed her my room, and went to shogun to get bloated! who wouldnt love that?

the accounts paper was a mess. it was the hardest for me for the whole term. i should learn to listen in class more often than just sleep. but after that was great. she didnt want to go back so early, so i brought her home. we made out a little and yeah. after that i picked the gang up, introduced her to them and then sent her home. we then went to shogun and ate our asses off. we sat down at 6.30pm and left fully bloated at 9.30pm. for three hours we ate and ate and ate. everything was delicious! they even gave us complimentary oysters. not ordinary oysters but huge ass ones. after that we got back and i went to bed straight after that. i just took off my shirt and just slept. even though it felt uncomfortable sleeping, i was just too tired to do anything else.

woke up in the noon. bought some bakery stuff. made some tuiles. its good shit. sy cant take his hands off the tuiles. baking is fun. male bonding! heehhehe

ok ... not sure what to do tonight but hopefully its good.

rick.

finally derrick made out with a girl! surprising as it sounds, its true! it was probaby a one time thing but kissing never felt so good. it was this hot japanese mix malay chick. omg, how hot she is, words cant describe! hehehe. i took her to the stairs and we just made out there. i totally messed up her hair! hehehe. my bad. it was all good. she said i was a good kisser. hmmmmm ...

anyways, exams went well. maths was rather, interesting. questions were fairly hard and i did most of it, so yeah, good for me. tomorrow is the worst paper ever! accounts! i hate accounts. before accounts is F&B, so yeah. hopefully ill pass both papers. i know i wont score with flying colours but ill just do my best.

other than that, holidays after tomorrow! but it would only last one week...that would suck. i just dont understand why they give such short holidays. oh well, maybe they dont want us to forget what we learnt. yupyup. no idea what im going to do for 1 week but ill figure something out. its too short for a part time job, which i want to do so badly. i think ill take it easy and relax. yeah. maybe go clubbing and find some hot chicks. =)

i dated quite a number of girls and yet i still feel that i dont understand them. its just so hard to know what they really want. even though when they tell you they want something, its actually something else. understanding women is hard. oh well, maybe when im older ill know.

rick.

everyday has been a challenge for me. just to fight another day. overtake obsticles, jump over hurdels and such. i still dont believe im where im today. without the help of everyone in my life, i wouldnt be here today. since i was a little boy until now. the little fist fights i got myself into in high school, the friends i made throughout my whole life, the girlfriends i loved and adored, the family that supported me no matter what and last but not least, God.

these few days, i have been driving slow, cutting down on fags, cutting down on alcohol and ... living my life to the fullest. speed gives me thrills and that little adrenaline rush but come to think of it, safety comes first right? yeah. the fags, no doubt its bad. definately cutting down. trying to make it 14 sticks for 2 days instead of one. im almost there! had like 10 sticks today. so, slowly cutting down is good. alcohol. oh the sweet taste of alcohol. i might just go clubbing this weekend. release the crazy stress from studying. i love alcohol. no one can take my alcohol away!! hehe.

studying has made me really crazy. im having the biggest headache ever! i even slept for two hours when i got back. didnt work at all. went to college around 11am. studied until 4pm. exam started at 4pm until 6pm. stayed in college after the exam to study up maths for tomorrow. hopefully everything goes into my head. going to college early tomorrow again. but unfortunately for me, the paper starts at 11.30am. so have to wake up earlier, revise and finito! maths should be fairly easy. i already got 36/40 for my previous test which adds up in the exam. so that would be good.

anyways ... i might just fall asleep or do a little revision.

rick.

i was so tired yesterday that i actually slept at 9pm. when i reached home, i showered and then slept. i couldnt even move. i just slept like a little baby. yesterday was the day where we had to commis for the final term students. in the morning, it was kinda hectic with everyone being all slow and all but the afternoon was slow. so practically we were doing commis from 8am-7pm. all of us were so beat after that. had to even send samir, nick and widad home. sheesh.

today was kinda ok. had kitchen theory exam. which was easy. last minute studying really got me this time. i studied and studied and studied. after the exam ... i went to the library to study for the next paper which is tomorrow, nutrition science. i fell asleep until everyone else left the library. i drooled all over my hand, hehehehe. hopefully no one saw it! heheeh. i didnt know why i was so tired. maybe i over slept? yeah. maybe. went home around 8pm after studying my last stroll of little notes. had a hard time remembering from the notes. i hope i do good tomorrow. i cant really study at home ... just a little lazy as i always think that when i come home, i just want to relax.

i must remember for next term that i have to concentrate in class so that i dont have to go back and study. everything is practically given during lectures. so yeah. thats my goal for next term.

i've been really running wild. my heads been left, right, up, down. i just dont understand anything anymore. life's been bitting me in the ass. little by little. i dont think i can take anything anymore. i want to be left alone and just die alone. sometimes its hard to let go. things can be replaced, but love cant. i just cant replace the love she gave me. oh how i want it so badly now. sigh...

rick.

i said i was moving on on wednesday's post. but i dont think im anymore. just a single thought of her brought me really low. it was just a mild thought of her ... and poof ... im gone. i cant even think straight. i need alcohol so badly now. really badly. i want to drown myself in alcohol. just drown...

nothing seems to fit right anymore. i wish i just did nothing and deserve nothing in return. i just dont want to do anything anymore. just be a beggar by the side of the street and hope people i know wont recognize me. this time, i really give up. i dont want anything anymore. seriously and honestly. i cant take anything anymore. everyone might think that yeah, this stupid boy is being so fucked up just because of a breakup. so i will say again, you wouldnt know what we went through together. you wouldnt have imagined it even happened. but it did. so yeah.

exams are coming soon. as in this week. and im feeling this way. definately not helping at all. sigh...

rick.

today was the most tiring day of my whole life. well, of my term 2. slept at 5am. studying like a sick duck. woke up at 7am. went to college. went straight to the library to study. studied for about half an hour and fell asleep. i slept for i dont know how long until i couldnt feel my pinky. i was so dead asleep i wouldnt know who disturbed me or not.

for the last 10 minutes, i went for cocktail class, which was fantastic. just when i went in, they started with the alcohol. perfect timing i would say. tried the irish coffee. good shit! =) after that class, went for geography exam. it was quite easy as we could refer to printed materials for the first 15 minutes. it was like a race of how many you could answer for the first 15 minutes. so yeah. practically found all the 50 questions with my notes.

after that, we had a long break. so i went to the lounge and just read comics and surfing the net. did that for like an hour or so. class started at 2.30pm and not many people attended because it was the last class. the lecturer was just giving us tips and revising with us the topics she thought. after that, we could go back. so i left.

met sy, sarah and mode on the way home. picked them up and went straight to ikano, then to ikea, then to tesco. it was a friday well spent. bought a mixing bowl for the apartment. yeah.

we made bread rolls around 1am. it turned out good! everyone loved it. sy was like wanting to learn how to make bread. so i thought him. maybe it was him that made it all happen! yeah ... it was. i barely did anything but stare and give silly commands.

anyways, ima go sleep now. dont know what time i would wake up tomorrow. having the biggest headache ever. had this headache since i was in college. this is bad.

rick.

just came back from the movies. the fast and the furious: tokyo drift. the gang didnt let me drive after the movie =( which was ok, because i know i would speed like a crazy fuck. hehehe so yeah. the movie was awesome. hated the CG effects though. i guess now with all the techonology and shit, CG is the way to go and also cheaper. it just sucks that the director did not put everything real. like adding CG effects. that was the only sucky part of the movie. overall it was good shit!

i cant wait to go out and work and own myself a nice ride. have been thinking lately about pimping my ride. sy suggest that looks then speed. then i just said the speed is about the driver, not the car. so he suggested the rims, body kit and lowering the car. maybe i should. but only after i start work and earn my own little savings. heheh. would love to see some huge ass rims on my car though. that would be the first thing i would do.

at times i want a good and fast sedan car, at other times i want my rav4 to be pimped to its extreme. but i guess im even lucky enough to own a car. yupyup. be glad derrick =)

anyways, class was quite interesting today. i actually stayed awake for accounts, for an HOUR!! hahahaha ok, i admit, i did sleep. sigh. i need to get rid of this laziness of mine. so yeah. thats it.

im tired and sleepy. need to study geography!

rick.

i was too tired yesterday to blog. i actually fell asleep at 12am! without even bathing, i just fell asleep with my jeans on. i was just too tired to do anything. yesterday was ok i guess. had a really long day.

but nothing can beat today. was in college around 8.30, which surprised all of my classmates. they were like saying, "you always come late and when the class is ending, today is soooo special huh?" hahahaha i just laughed everything off. it is true, i do go to class late. but my attendence rate is better than most of my classmates. i have only three absents for three classes. most of them has more than three absents in the same class! hehehe see ... its all good in the end right? =)

i've been eating alot lately and i think im putting on weight. but i love the way i look now. skin and bones. hehehe oh well. have to look like my baby picture. so cute! hehehe

ok then. exams are next week and im starting to stress out. but still being slumber about it. im just scared for accounts. the only subject im failing this term. i seriously have to keep up with the class and not sleep. i wish i did accounts in high school. then i would know the basics. sheesh.

everyday seems to be a ... better day. my smoking habits have been cut down. my eating habits have increased. i havent touched a single drip of alcohol since ... 2 weeks. im actually moving on. i cant believe it. but one thing is still stuck on my mind. well, two actually. one of them will end at the end of this month while the other would haunt me for the rest of my life. i just cant believe "I" did it. i feel so irresponsible. as a man. such stupidity. sigh. i bet she told him everything about it already and both of them would probably be laughing at me. pointing fingers and saying how stupid i was. well, am.

the past cant be changed, so its better to move on and mend your own future with what you have now. dont think of bitter things as it would just bring you lower and you might just start all over again, from scratch. feeling down and being anti social. everyone goes through pain and agony. but not many people has gone through what i have.

rick.

another hectic day in college. we had 52 guest!! which ended up only 44 coming. so yeah. still hectic! we had these people from a different department coming for a function about wine. they were drinking wine and whiskey and brandy and all that shit. joe said he helped one of the lecturer to bring wine into the hall the guest were in and he said he could get drunk just smelling the alcohol in that room. hahahaha i just laughed but wished i was there! heheehe.

overall everything was ok. one of the guest, which was joe's guest gave me the freakiest and most horniest stare of my whole life! i tell you! her head was mid down and her eyes was just staring at me while i walk by a couple of times. if im not mistaken, her name is lisa. freaky. didnt want to make eye contact as she looked like a fuckable toy. not interested at all.

so yeah. everything was done and such. had lunch alone in the mamak until sookie, widad and samir came. so yeah. all of us went to the library. then jasmine, samirs girlfriend, came and joined us. jasmine actually lost her handphone and some cash within a minute! she left her handbang on the sink in the girls locker room and when she got back, her handphone and cash was gone. this college is really fucked up. there were previous thefts before in the lockers.

so yeah. sookie was doing her work. so widad and i went to piramid to pick up her dvd from a shop. we bought starbucks and dunkin donuts for samir and sookie, as jasmine went home already. so yeah. got back to college, spent some time with widad just talking randomly on the stairs. after sookie went home, widad, samir and i went over to jasmine's house to watch football. japan vs australia. australia actually won ... could u believe it? because i couldnt! so yeah. sent widad home before half time. then came home to finish the soccer game.

pretty much a tiring day today. should be off to bed now. oh, i finally got the laziness off and changed my sheets. my bed looks superb now with colourful colours. i didnt have any bed sheets left so i just laid the conforter as a bed sheet and used a blanket i bought from ikea not long ago as a blanket! it looks so nice now! hehehee. ok ... off to bed off to bed.

exams in a week. study time.

...I can't unthink about you. I can't unfeel your touch. I can't unhear all the words, unsay all the things that used to mean so much. I wish I could unremember everything my hearts been through. Im finding out its impossible to do. Its no use, I cant unlove you. I could wake up without you, these two arms not around you, tell myself it's meant to be this way. No matter how I try, some things I can't change...

rick.

another ordinary day. i was suppose to be helping out in college but instead i overspelt till 3pm. how fun is that? i actually fell asleep at 6am when i was suppose to leave the house at 7.30am. interesting no?

so yeah. went to have my hair cut, walked around 1u, go back, picked sy and sarah, get groceries from tesco, pasar malam for fruits then back home. see ... thats all!! omg ... i should like stop blogging! my life is so un-interesting. yay!!

sigh. will be the restaurant manager for class later. had a long weekend thinking of what to do and yeah, what to do. so finally figured out everything, last minute as usual. dum dum ti dum...

so yes. life has been kicking me in the butt and telling me to move on. yes i have been moving on and yes its not as easy as everyone assumed it to be. to be honest, i cant seem to actually get rid of the past from me. as hard as i may try, it will still haunt me. like really haunt me as i cant stand it anymore. every single night i fall asleep, every single thing i do, it just ... bites me in the ass all the time.

eventually ... soon ... i will realize that this is all a dream. ill just wake up from this terrible nightmare and be free from this dreadful feeling. maybe i got into a car crash and im in a coma now. this is just a coma dream. trying to wake up but cant. maybe when i finally find myself then i could wake up. maybe. just maybe.

nothing seems to matter anymore. i wish i had a million dollars. so i can go to the club every single night and drink my sorrows away. i hate my life. i wish i was dead.

...

rather interesting day today. woke up late but it ended with a bang!

woke up around 3pm. ate bread with peanut butter and jelly for lunch. watched tv ... played never winter nights with the gang and thennnnnn went out with samir. was suppose to go to mamak to watch the world cup, england vs paraguay (mind u it sucked!! englang won by a fucked up own goal!! losers), then to starbucks. but then, joe went off early to be with his gf. so then, we stayed at the mamak till 12am. went to a&w in subang and watched fast cars go by. it was damn good i tell you. my heart never beated that fast before!! samir even let me test out his turbo car. sooooooooooo coooooooool!!! i was like YAY!! hahahaha then he sent me home while racing with this other accord. he won!! a ford won an accord! interesting no? hehehehe

so thats that. now im back home and all hyped out over cars. fun fun!! =)

rick.

so yeah, i got into a fight with my sis, but its all good. i cant stand making my sis mad just because i dont want her to care. uhuh uhuh. i couldnt update yesterday because something was wrong with my browsers. weird.

i just got back home from a coffee break in starbucks bukit bintang with joe and samir. free drinks again!! hehehe ... just got to love joe the supervisor!! before that, was in college with widad, sookie and samir. widad and sookie were doing their work while samir and i just lazed around college trying to find something to do. hehehe useless men. after both of the ladies got done with their work, we went to ss15 to eat western food. it was cheap and good. my meal was about rm10. rm10 for a beef steak!! yeahhhh~~!! so after dinner, sookie's mum came and send her home, i sent widad home and picked samir at his house. i then drove down to kl! samir loved my car. but i dont understand as he drives a freaking turbo car! hahaha

so yeah. now im back home and im damn tired. feel like just konking out now. maybe i should. havent had a decent sleep in weeks. sigh ....

rick.

guess how depressed this little kid is now. come on, guess. high? low? no, higher. way way up there!

why does everyone pick on my weak side? why does everyone pull me down with bad comments about me? why does everyone just pull out my bad points? why not ask how well im doing, or congratulate me for it? i just dont understand.

i mean ... i have been better than before. i have moved on. yeah, more than before that is. why cant people just see that than always assuming me as being down and depressed? maybe im depressed in a good way. maybe im sad in a good way. people just assume. i drink ... and? i dont overdose myself until i cant wake up the next day. i smoke ... and? i dont smoke as often as any heavy smoker around. i just smoke to release the tension i have in me. from the constant insults and pulling down people do or say to me. i drive fast ... and? i dont go killing myself over it. i control my speed with the constant image of my family and close friends. if i would want to end my life, i wouldnt waste a good car along with me. i would just end it like that, no one involved, just me.

why dont people see. im a new kid, im a new boy, im a new man. if i have no moved on, i would be probably cutting myself silly or even trying to kill myself with constant cuts. why? i cant be normal anymore just because of a silly breakup? i cant think straight just because of it? i cant control myself just because of it?.......why? i just dont understand why people judge me so easily.

only once sy told me this and it made me think twice ... he told me i was doing so well. after his birthday party in chilli's when i saw jac, her brand new boyfriend, pik and her friends. i realized that i was doing the wrong thing by being depressed and all. i was letting her win.

i drink because i needed a place where i can just run away and be free. be myself. no one judge me. no one talks shit about me. its just me being myself. the only safe place i can go, is now no more.

humans care, thats a fact and its normal to care. but caring goes both ways, saying it and not saying it. i know people care about me and my health. yes, i can take care of myself. if i couldnt, i would be dead by now.

im sorry i dont meet your "requirements".

....

so yeah, everyones dissapointed i did something .. "wrong". i mean, what did i do wrong? it was merely just a one time thing. so yeah.

classes resumed as usual after the hectic weekends. kitchen practical was ok i guess. was pretty tired from all the cooking and running around. after class, fixed my sub woofer. cost me rm190! sheesh. now i really need a job to accomadate to my spendings.

everything is back to normal again. well, after what happened on the weekends, it should. no more sulking and stupid acts. im sick and tired of feeling the way i used to feel. whenever i felt that way, she won. she reigns victorious everytime i shed a tear for her. so now, its time to end it. no more petty tears for a petty girl. my vocab has been increased by the constant phone calls from the singaporean. well, its all good. she teaches me well.

life would be meaningless without someone else to share it with you. so that said, derrick is back on his quest again to find his "love". im just a hopeless romantic trying to fill in for a kid.

thats that. now i can go to class feeling chirpy and a little high. =)

rick.

i think i should just copy everything from yesterday and paste it here.

yesterday was ok i guess. went to mid valley with the gang. sy wanted to get new shoes. took forever for him to find his shoes but when he got his shoes, happy he was. then after that we went grocery shopping. they wanted me to cook my pasta again, so i did. pork chilli pasta. yum yum!

so last night i cooked and it wasnt as good as the first one. oh well, first one is always the charm. after all the hassle dassle, i chatted with her on msn. i really missed just chatting with her and all. the weekends are like the hardest. but this time it was different. problems came up, she tried to fix me, but unfortunately, she cant. so being all depressed and all, i said i've got to go. i went to starbucks bukit bintang to meet joe. got me a venti mocha and a nice coffee cake. all on the house. sat there and just chit chatted with joe.

after sitting there for awhile, while joe was cleaning up the place, i got really bored and said my goodbyes and thank yous and went to the bar. i sat there, drank a drink. brought farah back with me. she loves my room. when she reached the apartment she was like whoaa ... she didnt get a chance to see stitch and jaide but its ok. then i sent her back early this morning and here im now. pretty tired from everything though. farah asked me if i could come again today, i just said maybe. will call her later and see how it goes.

i think i should go wash my car. yes i should go wash my car. oh, i dont think im in talking terms with her anymore. im sick and tired of it already. i just wanna be left alone this time.

rick.

ahah! im awake! late night drinking on my own again. it was good this time. really good. farah bought me another drink again. so yeah. joe, my classmate that works in starbucks bukit bintang, came around 2.30 after his work. bought him a beer and we just sat there and drank and talked. sometimes i just love to talk to that guy. he is like the only guy that really understands in my college that we can relate better. so yeah. went to drink last night because of everything. forgot my parents anniversary, jasmine's grandpa passed away, which reminded me of my grandpa when he passed away. i didnt know where she and i stand until today, which is just good friends. so yeah.

everythings been ups and downs for me. i was so happy and jumpy yesterday morning. being who im again was really, a relief. just to break free again, for that few little minutes. i just felt like that was it, im finally free, but when the bad news came, sigh ...

i might just go down to kl again today. joe said anything i wanted from starbucks is on the house, since he is the store manager and all. so yeah. free starbucks anywhere is good.

life goes on ... without you. i miss u. i love u. i will always do.

rick.

i failed myself yet again. just because of my stupidity and uselessness.

i cant really do the right things anymore these days. i want to so badly fall in love, but im afraid i might just hurt the person i care for instead of loving. i dont want to make the same mistakes twice. im so deeply in love with her, but i cant show it. i just cant. everything bad will happen if i did. im such a failure.

i skipped 2 classes today. but i did have my attendance taken before leaving the class. i couldnt stand being in the same room. i need air to breathe and just ... let go. luckily i did not do anything stupid. i just need someone to hug. a nice big fat hug which is full of love and care.

i might just go drink again today. since tomorrow my class starts in the afternoon. sigh. oh, then i can meet joe at starbucks in bukit bintang! free coffee. ok then. im off. im to stressed to type anymore shit about my fucked up life. what caused all this depression? you'll know soon.

rick.

you know, sometimes when you really feel down, but you dont know why you are actually feeling down for? have you ever had that before? because i had. just yesterday. why? i would want to know why too. its time for me to finally move on. no more stops. no more regrets. yes, everything in the past was good, but what i have now is even better. a hundred times more better. but you'll never know until you've tried. the problem is, im still afraid. afraid of that "thing" called love. yes, i am falling in love again. i just dont know if its legit this time. i assume too much.

do you get the feeling that you're always waiting. waiting for that someone to text and when your phone rings, it isnt that person? or a call that you've been waiting for days but all you get when you see your phone is the display picture? i get that. im just not sure what am i suppose to do. i just get lost in this kind of things. i love her company, thats all i can say and assuming she likes mine too.

lastly, could everyone and anyone that reads this not tell the world? i mean, read it, keep it and not spread it. if my blog is affecting anyone else besides me, then ill be changing my blog and just blog to myself. because the only reason i blog is to express my feelings to it. no one will judge me, no one will talk back at me. but what i dont see is that someone out there is doing that. its not really nice and i appreciate that someone not spread. just keep it to yourself. thank you.

rick.

sometimes in life, you can never expect what good or bad things would come. afraid everyone should be. i know i am. i was so afraid today. my heart was beating so fast. i think it even missed a beat or two. i just dont know what would actually happen to me. im afraid of every single thing. i just cant take what is coming at me right now. everything may be moving slow, but i assume it will go faster soon. i dont want to make the same mistakes twice. but the problem is, i dont know what those mistakes are.

i cant seem to find a safe house for me to go to when im this down. unfortunately for me, sy took the car to watch a movie with sarah and mode. if the car was here, i would have gone to the bar. i dont think i can take it anymore. im becoming an alcoholic.

all the little things in life. all the little sweets in life. all the bitter things in life. all i have tasted. all i have felt. all i have fell into its trap. i dont want to play any silly games anymore. i just want to be loved the normal way. the way everyone else is. how she and he will tell each other little sweet things into each others ears. sigh. im so depressed right now. i feel like nothing helps anymore. one bad breakup and im screwed for life. thats how i see myself. thats how everyone else sees me. what a failure. what a loser. what a hopeless case.

rick.

and yet again, derrick succeeds in getting a free drink! hehehe. the bartender, which was farah gave my drinking session free of charge. she's like the best person right now. wait, no! the best person would be "her" then next to her is farah. she was like telling me why is there so many people on a monday. joe wasnt there though. it was his day off. so yeah. a new bartender which gave sucky drinks. farah was suppose to make me the long island iced tea that she loved but she was too busy cashering around two stations. she was running back and forth. poor girl. barely spoke to her. but when i did, wonderful conversations all the time. it was like, getting to know someone you never knew existed.

i met this ang moh guy. he was kind enough to buy me a shot of margarita. which wasnt kick at all. was like sweet all the way. hahaha. talked to him a bit and he left for his "sarong party" girl. hahha rather hilarious watching people like that. everytime i go to that bar, i see prostitutes. MALE prostitutes! i will always remember joe from my class saying "tulen ni bang!" pointing at "his" tits. hahahaha in english, means that "its real!" hahahaha god, damn prostitutes!! oh well, everyone has to make a living right? yeah.

going off to bed soon. chit chat with the gang at home first. nites ya'll. have a great day and i hope my life insipires you little ones out there!! hahahah ... right.

rick.

you never expect the most smallest thing in life. when it happens, it happens. i really didnt expect any of it to happen. i really didnt. i didnt even want it to happen. but its just ... i dont know.

todays class was restaurant practical. we had a function on in the restaurant. it was this high school from malacca. so yeah. we served 63 pax. rather interesting i might add. so yeah, served the 16 out of the 63 pax. they were mostly malays. MALAYS!! omg...kat and i were already making fun of them when they walked in. we were like, omg, wanton soup! hahaha. both of us laughed and then got back to serving. i was the captain for my table so i had to fire all the food. rather fun though running up and down.

after everything ended, the guest were leaving. so one of this girl which i served and talked to most of the time asked for my number! i was like whoaaa ... i never had anyone asking for my number before. so yeah. i was like, ummmmm ... okayyy ... 0 - 1 - 2 - 8 - 0 - 7 ... ei ... i forgot. hahahah then one of her friends was like, (translated from malay) if like that, your lying already la. then i was like, ok ok, you give me your number. so i got her number and said goodbye, when she left, i just cancelled the number. if was so embarassing having kids asking for my number! a few of my classmates saw me and were laughing their asses OFF!! sigh. oh well. id only go for older women. never in my life would i date a malay nor screw a malay. =) im mean in my own little ways. racist? yes im. thank you.

oh well. i feel like drinking again. i really do. i think im going down to the bar to get a few drinks and then head home. nites peeps. ima drink the night away instead. =)

rick.

yesterday was intense. i actually got up at 6am. only two hours of sleep. picked widad up and we went for breakfast at mcd's. after that off we go to college. we had breakfast in the car and poof comes samir and the gang. with him was eve and nick. we didnt really mind them annoying us but it was all fun and jokes. so we continued eating our breakfast. later we went up to the kitchen and got a briefing and off to work. so we started around 8am and finished around 10pm. we made 3000 packages. i felt like i was in this factory, just putting in the labels and ribbon and then closing it with the lid. i did that for hours. but before that of cause i went around to help everyone.

so yeah. the whole day was tiring. even with that, i even had time to spend time with her. it was really a random thing but what happened, actually happened. i was surprised. so yeah.

after everything was done, a few of us went to the mamak and had some drinks. after that, i sent widad home and came home. i was feeling all confused and all when i got home. it was because i didnt expect anything to happen yesterday. i didnt expect anything. i was really out of my mind. all i could think of was, go to the bar i went to on friday. so i went, alone.

the bartender, which was both of them, farah and joe was there again. so they recognized me and asked what i wanted to drink after seeing me sitting down not having a drink yet. so i ordered a bottle of beer to quence my thrist for alcohol. after downing the whole bottle, i asked the bartender to give me something strong, just like what i said on friday. i said i didnt want the graveyard anymore because that was a little too strong, so he gave me an ak-47. rather interesting drink i might add. so while sitting there, the bartenders were nice people. farah even asked how old i was. i told her my real age and then i asked for hers. she's 23. then later, out of the blue, she told me that she was surprised of my age. then i asked her how old do i look then? she told me the same as her. i was like, dont worry, i get that alot.

so after that 2nd drink, i ordered another. told joe i wanted a not so strong cocktail but good. i got him thinking for awhile. hahahaha he like ummmmm ... ummmmm ... then i told him to take his time and think about it. after serving a few drink to the customers, he finally thought of something and that something was farah's favourite drink. i couldnt remember the name though. so yeah. tasted it and damn ... it tasted better than the ak-47. then farah suddenly came up with a drink in her hand, wanting to cheers with me, i held up my cup and said thank you. she then said the last drink was on her. i was like, why thank you very much! so then i just sat there until they closed the bar. farah come outside and sat next to me. she lighted a ciggarette. i wanted to say, "ooh, sigup jugaaa" but wasnt that keen on asking it. so yeah, we talked for quite awhile. didnt know how long we talked because of the amount of alcohol slowly kicking in but it was long. shes such a nice person to talk to. in and out of the bar. so yeah. when she was about to go do something inside the club, she shook my hand and said, nice to meet you, hope to see you again. i smiled at her and said, dont worry, you'll see me soon. she gave me this sweet smile that i've been waiting for since friday and left.

after a few minutes sitting down and sobering up, i told joe i was going back. shook his hand and said goodbye. he asked me to drive carefully. im like, ill try! and both of us laughed. the drive home was kinda ok. but if i was stopped by the cops, i would have most probably gone to jail. i was kinda tipsy tipsy but still could think. when i got home, sy came out of his room and asked if i was ok. i told him something ... i couldnt remember, but i remembered i didnt mumble. he told me he couldnt make out what i was saying but the last few words, good night. hahahah

so yeah. the weekends were hectic. i loved it. i enjoyed it. i barely had any sleep on both days. i dont really care anymore. i just want to live life and forget about my silly past. my past is just stopping me from moving forward. now it shall stay forgotten and never to be opened. i hate my past.

ill be gone for the weekdays. bye bye.

rick.

i flew over a big ass curb on the way back from depressed drinking. i was almost 90 degrees. i almost died. it didnt really matter if im still here or not. if i was still here writing this stupid little blog. i met new friends at the bar in beach club. it was rather interesting. talked to this girl for quite awhile. then a few guys that came and went. i guess im rather social now.

id rather die from that car crash than be here writing this. i feel like shit. today was sy's birthday. everything went well until i saw my ex and her new boyfriend. he shaved his head bald. so fucknig what. i dont care. i took a glance at pik and just smiled and walked away. while doing that, i also took a short glance at her. i didnt want to see her. but i did. the look on her face just melted me. i went straight to the stairway where we fought on my birthday. i was banging the wall and almost banged my head on the wall. i dont know what made me felt that way. maybe i just missed her too much. maybe i wanted to see her more ... just alone ... not with anyone else. just her. but unfortunately i saw him as well. he took the dignity to actually smile at me. fuck him. i dont give a fuck if he smiled or not. he fucking tried to take away my ex away from me when i was with her. there is a code somewhere among men that we know. never to steal another mans woman. fuck ass. i dont care if she reads this or not. i really dont. she can hate me all she wants. i wouldnt give a rats ass. i really hate his guts as he flirts with her constantly and seduce her with his stupid little things. id rather die than see him again.

i dont understand what is wrong with me. these few days i was alright. well, almost alright. then this day had to come. i knew it would come but i didnt expect it to come today. i knew i would see her and him one day. just both of them. they would be probably fucking right now knowing how horny my ex would be. no condoms, no strings attached. just fuck. i did that and the worst had to happen. i dont give a fuck about him. i give a fuck about her. i really do.

rick.

today was the first time i ever cried in college. it felt so bad. i went to a secluded area and just cried my eyes out. i couldnt take it anymore. i was thinking of her the whole day today. how was she, what was she doing, was she having more fun with him than me, is she safe, have she been treated well, and all of the little things. i was afraid. i was afraid of moving on. this by far has been the worst breakup in my whole life. eventhough i consider this as my first love, i still take it as an average relationship. all the relationships i had before, nothing compares to what i went through with her. nothing.

it was the best 2005 that i would never forget. the memories, the feelings, the time we spent together, the love we shared together and the amount of love i gave her. i gave her my heart and soul, but she just burnt them into dust. i've always dreamed of a perfect relationship that i would have. i thought that perfect relationship was her. she was the emptiness that fulfilled me. she made me whole. but i was dead wrong. she made me feel like i was on top of the world when she wanted me to. at the end, i fell back down on my knees begging for forgiveness, something that i've done no wrong to. i just felt that i was wrong, but didnt know what was the reason. i just wanted her to be happy.

today, i almost got into a fight with my classmate. he was pissing me off. luckily for him i held my cool and didnt ask him to take it outside. i didnt care if i won the fight or not, its to let loose my anger. either on the floor bleeding or standing up tall with my head held high.

there is a weakness in my eyes that everyone can see. once they see it, they make use of my weakness. they play little games that make me so hurt, but they wouldnt know. just because. i was born with a deformility. i rather not say what it is. it would just pull me lower as where i already stand. only God and i know what it is. only God and i shall share this secret.

finding places to hide in college is rather hard nowadays. everyone seems to be everywhere. i cant seem to find a safehouse anymore. i just wish i could run away from where im. i give up. i give up on everything. once a failure, always a failure. theres nothing this stupid little boy can do about it. nothing.

rick.

sigh. i dont know why i get what i get. this feeling inside me just doesnt want to go away. yes, everyone has their ups and downs. but mine is constantly down. well, most of the time down. its just there. something out there is triggering it. i think its just me who is the weird ass one. i feel like im so fucked up at times. nothing helps anymore.

weird. i hate it. screw it.

tomorrow nutrition exam and F&B presentation. prepared for F&B but not for nutrition. i hate science. it sucks. im just scared of failing my term 2. i mean, i wouldnt want to waste my time and retake term 2 again. no way. im studying as hard as i can now. slacking is out of the question. shit.

i hate me. i am going out of my mind.

rick.

isnt it a little ironic that i get to be congratulated? for what? i dont know. by whom? my ex. she just splurge things at me at times. i wasnt available at the time when she messaged me on msn. i was watching the davinci code with the gang. rather controversial movie. liked it but ending sucked.

today was a really tiring day. i'd rather not talk about today as im dead beat. its 5.30am and im not asleep yet. the movie finished at 3+am. jaiv got a flat tire, so we helped him out, went back home, did final touch ups on my work, hang my clothes and now its 5.30am. time flies.

today, im rather speechless. even though i know i have much to say but my hands doesnt want to type that much. oh well ... going to bed now. waking up in two hours. sigh.

i wish i knew what she congratulated me for. im confused. really confused.

rick.

sometimes its just hard to figure things out. its just so pathetic i cant do anything right in life. im stressing out over nothing and it makes me go crazy. its like a mental breakdown. once in awhile it happens and when it happens ... its bad. its just so bad you'll probably just run for cover. i just want to die right now. its like mood swings. good one day, bad one day. sigh. its bad. this time its really bad. i dont like this feeling at all.

college was hell today. kitchen practical. i was the chef of the day and i had to run left right up down. getting the food ready for the college restaurant and all. it was just so intense. i couldnt take it. thank God i didnt blow infront of the whole class. i went to a quiet place to explode. little tears came out but it was all good. im still stressed over it. i dont know why. its just so bad. i feel so useless sometimes i feel like i always need someone next to me to guide me. like i can never do anything right in life. i feel like dying. die.

we all have a future. for me? i feel like i do ... but it wouldnt be a really good one. it would be full of ups and downs. the constant happiness and sadness at one go. never be one feeling very long. just ... mixed feelings throughout my life. i still do think of her. its so hard to let go. its just so hard.

i hate me. weird? why? try looking in the mirror everyday only to find a failure infront of you.

rick.

i have finally freed myself from this anguish. this disturbance i get. most of them are out of my system. i have to fight just a little longer for all of it to be gone. i thank my lucky stars i am what i am today. i feel like a free man. i feel a big burden lifted off my chest. all thanks to a 21 year old singaporean. she helped me through my hard times, she loved me so dearly as a friend when i was so down, she was there for me whenever i was down, i love her strength for support me even though her problems are much worse than mine. she always told me that a problem is a problem, we cant differentiate it even if we want to. she told me alot of things.

lately, i have been filling up my time with all the little things to do. i helped out in college, finding a new job, most probably the nearest starbucks, making dessert and dinner for the gang, and so on. one thing im not so keen on is my love life. yes, my love life. i'd rather not go into a relationship now, knowing that it would only make neither party happy. im just too afraid of the outcome of it. i know, everyone would say that you cant predict what would come and just trust. trust. trust has been the hardest thing for me since my breakup. how could i trust another human being when the person i loved so dearly is untrustable? its just hard for me to live with that fact. i took the wrong path and now im learning to deal with it. it just takes alot of time to get over things like this.

i made cream caramel for everyone last night. they enjoyed it. sarah and sy helped. a simple and easy dessert anyone can make. so yeah. sy told me that i should cook at home more often. so yeah, cooking on mondays, wednesdays and fridays. then pastries will be days when im free or whenever anyone feels like eating desserts. i do have an ice cream book!! =)

so yeah. lifes been doing me good. =)
i have gone back to my eating habit and sy is surprised. hahaha he was like, "you could really eat yesterday". hahaha i didnt even realize i ate so much. getting my weight back to its normal state. maybe a little bigger like 70-75 kg and then tone it up. yeahhh baby!! =P

so yeah ... im almost getting over everything. i love my freedom.

one thing that makes me more and more amazed about you is the power of your endless support for me. thank you. D.

rick.

i could consider i slept last night. even though it was just a couple hours of shut eye, i called it sleep. so yeah. last night was weird. really weird.

was late this morning to pick widad. she was like calling and asking where am i! hahaha it was pretty funny la. after that, we reached college. coincidently, samir was there too. so all of us went to the college restaurant for our briefing. rather interesting.

did nothing but stood there and smile. after the whole thing, i almost got screwed but i didnt. i was spared!! yay. hahaha after that, we had class. so i was so tired, i slept through class. after geography, we had maths test. i thought it would be damn hard. so i did excersises. when the paper came on to my desk, i finished it in 5-9 mins and widad earlier. both of us was like looking at each other funny. so she whispered where am i going, i whispered back mamak. so both of us went down and had a drink.

after that i headed to ming tien. jaivin, mode, sarah and sy was already there eating. so i met them there. after that, we went to the pet shop. omg, i fell in love with the shihtzu!! it was so cuteeeeeee!! i sooooooooo want it!! the dark haired one was like loving meee sooo muchhhh!!! eeee!! hahahahah okayy....

so after that we went to one u to shop. everyone got something except sarah. sy got a new long sleave shirt, mode got a new bag and i got 2 new shirts and 1 sunglasses. yay!! after walking around we went to tesco to get dinner. sarah cooked beef curry&soup, sy cooked fried long beans, mode cooked rice and i was suppose to make dessert but was too tired. so yeah.

im so tired now. going to sleep. cant take it anymore. eyes going to be like ... zombified.

rick.

i know what im now. im nocturnal! couldnt sleep last night. was a terrible night. everything went wrong. nothing went right. i knew it was going to happen from the start. that was why i wanted to end it as quickly as possible without sparking anything. but i guess i was just to stubborn to stop it.

you could say that i was in college for more than 12 hours. its really tiring helping out while not having any sleep. accounts assesment was a failure. i couldnt do 2/3 questions. it was just too confusing for me. jasmine thought her boyfriend and i how to do the question. both of us were so confident and when we did the paper, both of us completely forgot how to do it. its like ... so fcking hard la! i couldnt even think straight and i almost fell asleep a couple of times. i was so tired!!

after classes, a few of us helped out in the restaurant. instead of getting paid, we are getting certs. its good either ways anyway. so yeah. helped to set up the restaurant for a buffet tomorrow morning. have to be there by 7am. meaning i have so little time to sleep. sigh. i feel so tired now but i just cant sleep. if i sleep now, i would most probably think unnessasary things. sigh. i dont want that. so i dont think i will sleep. i want it to go away. i want to be free from everything. i dont want this anymore.

rick.

sometimes it hard to let go. well, for me i dont think i can ever let go. i cant forget that easily. its just so hard for me to move on this time. previous relationships were so easy. this one is just hard.

i was talking to jasmine in college about her. i told her about how we met, how we lived, how we enjoyed ourself, how we go everywhere together and how much we loved each other. at times its makes me feel better talking about it, but most of the time it isnt. but at that time, it was a relief. i told her about she and i staying together. she knew what to say, she told me it was like being married. i told her exactly. i told her that thats the reason why its hard for me to let go. its just because we were too attached. there was like an invisible wedding ring on our fingers that tied us together. i cant really understand in what state im currently in. i dont think i will ever know. the feeling of me loving her is so deep. i just cant stop thinking of her night and day. anything that crosses my mind has to have her in it. everytime i sleep, its her i dream about.

well, i guess you would realise it when it is really gone and now its just too late to look back and regret actions. i wish that i was different and would make her happy all the time. i always thought that our relationship was the best there ever was and there was nothing to stop or ruin it. but along came another guy that impressed her more than i did. i feel so useless everytime i think of it. i cant do anything right in my life. even though there are millions of opportunities out there for me, but i just cant make it happen. i cant make things right. i failed one to many times and it isnt the best feeling in the world.

i will be helping out in college this few weeks. going to get paid and getting certificates for my portfolio in the future. thats all i need, a good portfolio for the future. better job opportunities.

one thing that always bugs my mind, can i ever love again? because i dont think i can. even though i feel like i can but deep inside, if i really dig deep enough to find out the real reason, i cant. i wouldnt want the same thing to happen twice to me again. its one feeling i wouldnt want to remember or do again. failures are just in me. it is like i have failure written all over me. i can never do anything right. i cant.

rick.

i didnt sleep last night. so that would be two nights in a row i did not sleep. if i keep this up, i might just make it to the guiness book of records! right....

8am, went to college to have breakfast with widad. after that, hanged in the library for awhile and went to kat's apartment nearby to finish up our F&B project. after spending several hours there, went back to college. sookie got all pissy because of eve. sigh. so she just poured it all to me. i just sat in the mamak and listened to her. i did give a few words of advice to her. its so hard to understand humans sometimes. in a way, you would want them to change for the better, but they dont. they go back to their old roots. like i always say, old habits doesnt die easily.

after listening to her, she ate her lunch. when she finished eating, we went to the library and widad was there. so all 3 of us were studying for our accounts test thats coming up real soon. i got such a big headache, i stopped and read the papers. heheh yeah, stress relieve. then i took a short nap at a cubicle. widad woke me up and asked what time was i suppose to go to have dinner with eve, johnson and nick. i was like, i dont know. so i called eve and asked her. after that, went to the college restaurant and we had our meal. appetizer was crepe filled with mushroom and shrimps. main course was duck and dessert was choux pastry. overall its good but the portion was just too little. after that, i went home. sending widad home on the way. we just talked and talked. especially about eve. hahaha bitch talk about her. oh well, she deserves it. i mean, her attitude is just so ... wrong. i've been trying to help her since i knew her problem. but it seems that shes just hard to change.

so yeah. now im back home. not tired at all. weird but true. i dont think i will be sleeping again tonight. i think its becoming a routine. i dont think i should continue this. bad for my health and also my studies. sigh.

someone once told me, "it is easier to reshape a mountain or a river than a person's character." some how i agree with that person. i mean, even though you try as hard as you can, its just too hard to change someone. you would want that person to be the best of who they are. even though they are not with you. thats what i wanted for her. i wanted her to prove to herself that shes a changed woman. but i guess im just useless. i cant even help myself, why should i help others? i asked that to someone and that someone told me, "maybe you'd feel better helping someone else other than yourself first." hey, maybe its true. i dont know. i just feel that i want to help as much as i can. but maybe my type of help isnt what they are looking for. maybe they just want something else i cant offer. well, i know for a fact that this guy right here, has nothing to offer. he is your average joe. but with bad emotional problems. thats it.

i just wish i was really normal. i wish i was an average joe. i wish i could change who i am. but who am i to say? i am who i am. God created me this way and i shall live life like this. make full use of everything i have in me. be positive i always say. but somehow i pull myself so low, i wouldnt even know what is positive anymore. sigh.

rick.

we just finished eating. they said it was good pasta. i agreed with them. sy gave me a 9/10! wow. heheh. it was penne pasta with tomato base sauce with pork. added my little extra ingredients inside and it taste damn good!! hehehe im proud of myself. education not wasted! =)

she messaged me on msn last night. well, 3am to be exact. i waited for her reply for so long. she didnt even reply. i waited till the sun came up. i didnt sleep last night and today i was suppose to serve 4 pax. somehow i managed to be awake and alert and did my part. everything i did today was ok. no complaints from the lecturer. so i guess its all good.

i came home, feeling awfully tired, went to pay the apartment bills. the lady was like, can you come back tomorrow? i was like, can you please give me an exception? she was like ok. hahaha in a way i just flirted with an indian. ewwww!! but at least i got what needs to be done. after that i came home, there was this guy who lives on the highest floor and was complaining that his roof is leaking because of leakage of the pipes and water storage area on the roof. so he was telling me if everyone said yes, he can get management to change the pipes and fix the problem. i just agreed and stood there listening to his babbling.

after that i came home, took of my shirt and died on the bed. it was like 5pm. woke up at 8pm because widad called for no known reason. 2 more people called but i dont know who they are. just unknown people on my phone. so yeah. i guess i was dead asleep then, it was like 6.30pm when they called. so yeah. when i woke up, i bathe and went straight to cooking dinner for the guys. they enjoyed the food. im glad. no complaints at all. i love it!! again, ill say that im proud of myself.

i've never realized that she's such an angry person. her msn nick is like anger all the way. when i was with her, she doesnt get mad easily. i guess she's changed. i dont know if its good or not but i just wish her all the best. i mean, she's still my ex. i still do care and love her. sigh. i loved her. but im willing to love her again. sigh.

tomorrow i have to get up early for breakfast with widad in college, then go to kat's place to finish up our F&B project and back to college to help out in the kitchen and dinner in college. sigh. i dont think i can make it through kitchen without fainting. these few days has been intense. sigh.

on the 28th and 29th, i would be in college helping out for a charity event. we will be making around 3000+ packages of food. the charity is for helping kids in east timor that has little food and shelter. when they showed us the video of the kids, it touched my heart. it really did. i mean, the normal necessities we have is like luxury to them. i always wanted to be involved in this kind of charity programs. so yeah. the whole thing is about 3000+ people will be fasting for 30 hours. after that we will go to the place and distribute the food packages. so thats that.

im so frigging tired but im not that sleepy. im so odd. i think i am going to die tomorrow. before i even reach college ill just fall dead on the ground of the way to to my car. heh. im dead.

i love my pasta. its good shit. mode was like saying we could make a business out of this. hey, come to think of it, i might just go for it. i mean ... i just got myself an oven last night and i can bake bread. can sell them for like 50 cents each. they taste them good! hehehe.

somehow, the feeling of me being down is always there. it just sticks in my head. when i am not doing anything ... i just feel so down. i dont know whats wrong with me. i just wished all of this feelings would just go away and leave me alone. i want to be happy again. i want to be loved again. i want to feel how is it like to be loved again. i want to feel how is it like to have the first kiss again. but my wishes never come true. every year i blow the candles out, make a wish, cut the cake. not even one wish has came true. so i guess i am just unlucky.

after college, i think i would migrate to somewhere far. i dont think i can handle the lifestyle here. i want a new environment that is totally new to me to adapt. i've been here and everyones been feeding me with the silver spoon. i just dont want that anymore. i want to start over a new life and be away from this place. no more memories, no more thoughts. just a new life.

rick.